


but to me, you're everything

by phloridas



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, and dan is vv soft, i'm uh extremely tired can you tell, it's a good time, phil is v emotional
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 07:08:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15407679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phloridas/pseuds/phloridas
Summary: Touring this long can get hard sometimes. And when things get hard, Phil starts to worry that he's not enough. Especially when fan requests pile so high he can barely see past them.Good thing he's got Dan to get him through it all.





	but to me, you're everything

Twitter search: Tweets containing “dan”, “phil”, and “jenna”:

_ok so i know it’s not right to compare youtubers and everyone’s content is different but just know that i would DIE if phil (or dan but let’s be real here) did a video where their future dog chooses their makeup or outfit or anything like jenna just did PLEASE_

_omg but IMAGINE how amazing viewers pick my outfits would’ve been if dan had just gone on camera like julien did in jenna’s vid i am LOSING IT_

_can dan PLEASE make a bf picks my outfits video i’m not asking for much i’m just saying this is the true meaning of giving the people what they want (i mean just look at jenna’s outfit vids w julien and TELL ME THAT ISN’T DNP IN 3 YEARS)_

“Phil?”

Dan’s voice may barely be just above a whisper but Phil nearly jumps out of his skin anyway. His hand flies to the lid of his laptop but Dan catches his fingers just in time, intertwining Phil’s with his own and giving Phil a gentle squeeze. “Hey, what’s up?”

Dan sliding beneath the duvet of the hotel bed shouldn’t be doing these things to Phil. These...heart flippy, thumpy things. The concern etched deep in his gaze shouldn’t be cutting Phil open more than he already is. He’s so much stronger than that.

Isn’t he?

“Oh, it’s nothing. Just checking the pulse, seeing what the people--”

“ _Phil._ Are you on someone’s profile again?”

“What, I--no, these all just happen to be from the same person. But they’ve got a lot of likes and retweets and replies, see?” Phil drops Dan’s hand and shifts his MacBook onto both their laps. Dan immediately latches onto the trackpad, his frown growing deeper as he scrolls. There’s a squirming in his stomach that soon intensifies into a thrashing with every tweet Dan pauses on.

Just when Phil’s sure the discomfort is unbearable, Dan fixes him with another deep gaze. “Phil...is there something you wanna tell me? Are you not happy with the stuff we’re making?”

“No, of course not!” Phil answers, too quickly. Dan raises one eyebrow so Phil continues, “I love what we’re doing, you know how much I was laughing when we were showing our texts. I just…I don’t know if it’s enough sometimes, you know?”

“Phil, what--you saw the comments on that video, of course it’s enough!”

“Yeah, but everyone demanding--”

“Phil. Those are just _jokes_. Well, most of them anyway. You know we don’t owe anyone anything.”

Dan’s arm has snaked its way around Phil’s shoulder now, pulling Phil’s head closer to his chest as the laptop slides to their feet and...damn, is that good. And _soft._ Phil sucks in a deep breath, shocked to find it shaking as it rises in his chest. Dan wraps his other arm tight around Phil and squeezes, strong but so so gentle. A little piece of Phil’s heart shatters as Dan slides his fingers into Phil’s scalp.

It’s too much for something he shouldn’t be so worked up over in the first place. Phil doesn’t deserve this. Does he?

“I mean...yeah, I guess I know that,” Phil finally mumbles into Dan’s chest. “But they’re so _insistent._ The only way to stop it is to be a giant jerk or just give it to them. And you know how bad it would look if we were assholes about it.”

Dan sighs into his shoulder, the gentle puff of air tickling Phil’s skin a bit. “Yeah, it’s tough I know. I hate being the jerk sometimes. But,” Dan sits up a little, pulling Phil with him, “I’m not too sure what you’re getting at here? Are you saying you want us to make the same kind of stuff as Jenna and Julien? Because I’m not sure how great that would look either—”

“Dan. No, of course not, we’re not them,” Phil sighs. He finally disentangles himself, clasping his hands in his lap. “And I don’t think I want us to be them. I love your dark humor and the endless effort you put into your videos. I love how neither of us are vloggers. And we both know I’m not interesting enough to do a podcast.” Dan opens his mouth in protest but Phil plows on. “But what if people stop watching us _because_ we’re not them and nothing we do will ever be enough?”

The ache in Phil’s chest must be painted on his face, as it echoes in Dan’s voice when he rasps, “ _Phil._ Babe, come _here_.” The sheer amount of emotion packed in those few words is enough to break Phil.

Moments later, Dan is pulling Phil close again, crushing Phil to his chest as soft fluffy curls press into Phil’s collarbone. A rush of love seems to jump straight from Dan’s chest into Phil’s own, both mending him and cracking him further open at the same time.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, a terrified part of Phil wants to push away, curl deeper into himself to keep all these feelings from spilling onto Dan. After all, Phil can barely handle them himself so how can he ever expect Dan to?

But he stays.

He _needs_ this.

They lay like this for a while, each one holding up the other as Phil squeezes the shoulder of Dan’s dark hoodie as hard as he can and Dan presses soft butterfly kisses up and down Phil’s neck. Phil could cry at how _good_ it is. And after the whirlwind of these last couple months, he probably should.

The trembling of Dan’s shoulders under Phil’s own shaking hands is what truly breaks him. Out of nowhere, every ache, every terror, every hint of homesickness and worry and insecurity engulfs Phil until he’s sure his tears will ruin the merch hoodie that’s just become Dan’s now. It’s stupid and Phil hates himself for it, but there’s something freeing about allowing himself to break while tucked inside the warm embrace of the one person he’d trust with his life and then some.

“Phil, _babe_. It’s alright, it’s alright. It’s been so hard, I know. Just let it out, I’ve got you.” Dan’s words may be soothing but his voice is as ragged as Phil feels right now. It cuts Phil open even more, if that’s possible. Yet something far away tells him he needs this too.

Nobody ever told him how _hard_ it is to grin and bear it when you’re thousands of miles from home with only a faint idea how you got there, when the unfamiliar is flung at you so fast that you feel like you’re just going through the motions of this extraordinary life. Maybe TATINOF had felt this way at times, but part of Phil is convinced that happened to a different person. Is it any wonder he lets Dan take the lead in just about everything?

Finally, the initial wave of brokenness subsides and Phil collapses in Dan’s arms. He hates this raw, clingy feeling of needing Dan. But there’s a gentle strength in it too.

Dan needs to be needed. It fills his very soul. And Phil needs to see that soul filled at every moment.

It’s quite a good system, when you think about it.

“Things feeling a bit better now?” Dan whispers into Phil’s shoulder, breaking their few seconds of silence.

Phil pauses with the pattern he’s been tracing on Dan’s chest, then continues a bit slower, choosing his words carefully. “Well...yes and no. I mean, I still can’t stand the idea of anyone not liking our videos, or thinking they’re not enough, even if we’re giving them pretty much everything and then some.”

“But you know your ideas are a trillion times better than anyone else’s, right?”

“Dan. Come on.” A smile cracks across Phil’s face for the first time that night. The effect it has on Dan is ridiculous. “They’re _infinitely_ better. You know that.”

Dan squints his eyes tight, the crinkles beside them almost as deep as his dimples. Phil’s whole body feels electric knowing _he_ caused that smile.

“Oh, of course, Phil. How could I _possibly_ underestimate your genius?” Dan draws out, earning him a tug on his bounciest curl by Phil.

“Seriously, though, thank you. It really does help to have some perspective. I’m sorry for, uh, breaking down all over you, though.”

“ _Phil._ ” Dan takes his hands in an iron grip, pulling them both into sitting positions so he can snatch Phil’s eyes up in a gaze bursting with emotion. The bed squeaks under their shared weight. “You know you _never_ have to apologize for that. I’m always gonna do everything I can to be here, no questions asked. I mean,” he bites his lip, “it’s the least I can do, don’t you think?”

Phil just answers with the softest of kisses, reveling in the way Dan melts under his touch.

People were always going to demand things of them, jokingly or not. Hell, their entire _show_ was built around fan requests. Maybe they wouldn’t be comfortable with all of them. But that’s alright.

Besides, these requests (rabid or otherwise) are the reason they have this career in the first place. And these days, Phil can’t imagine them doing anything else.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! You can find me over at [Twitter](http://twitter.com/phloridas) and [Tumblr](http://phloridas.tumblr.com) @phloridas! Cheeky spon alert: the tweets at the beginning are actually all from me (actually is that a cheeky spon or is that just narcissism? I'll have to get back to you on that). In no way am I using this fic as a critique on the phandom--I feel like it's more self-indulgent than anything actually, since I've recently fallen down the hole that is Jenna's channel and can't help but compare it to our boys. I hope you enjoyed this anyway and that you're having a lovely day/night! <3


End file.
